mplsfish: (Default)
It hit me today. I went to Al's for breakfast. Rachel stood up for me at my wedding. We went to Al's first. I was so excited. I wanted to make an announcement to the whole place but I am just not a performer.
So I cried through breakfast.
I got to visit her in the hospice about a week and a half ago. She was asleep. She opened her eyes a little but was pretty much non responsive. When I got to the car I cried for a long time.
She was the most gracious person I ever knew. Always there with a gentle phrase. The truth, but never abuse.
In college she saved my life. I was suicidal. I called her two or three or four or five times a week. She always said "come on over". Her welcome gave me the breather I needed to see my problem clearly and attack it. Her acceptance of me let me accept me.
We were never really close. But I held her as an icon.
So much death.
mplsfish: (HomerBudda)
You are the snake.

Saint Exupery's 'The Little Prince' Quiz.
brought to you by Quizilla
mplsfish: (Default)
Doris Fish, my grandma, died wednesday morning about 4:30. I am fine. I went through all this in the spring when she almost died. My step brother is getting married on saturday. We will bury grandma on monday or tuesday. Bummer about the timing. That's life.

Wednesday morning around seven or seven thirty, I had not heard anything yet. I was going about my morning business when a painting caught my eye. She painted it. I looked at it for a minute and started to tear up. "Go on now" I said. "your mother is waiting there for you." I feared she might be clinging to grandpa as the safest person she has ever known. I wanted her to know there was saftey on the other side too. I felt her with me. I thought I felt her in AZ dying, but she was already gone. I went on with the morning but everything I saw was a reflection of her. Her paintings are all over the house. Or other art with a mother theme. Realy everything in me is a reflection of her. I have her genes and her mothering with me forever. She shaped who I am along with all the other adults I knew. She had perfect pitch, and without her I wouldn't have any at all.
Yeah, I'll miss her. But I have been missing her for years. I am relieved her suffering is over. I am relieved she died surrounded by love. I hope someday Grandpa can share what that moment was like. He's not a talker.
I wonder what he'll do now?

I'll be gone again from friday to at least wednesday.


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January 2017

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